True Love is just Commitment

I was inspired to write this when my cousin told me that she uses my love story to tell her friends when they have uncertainty about a relationship. It made me feel good. I know that our love story is unique and I've often thought that it could inspire others. So here it is. Wayne and I were in a calculus class together. He was the class clown and was too busy trying to impress our TA to notice me. I was working at the cougar express at the time and he came through the line. I recognized him from class and said, "Hey! You're in my calculus section." His response was a little like, "uhhhh..." And then he was like, "I'm Wayne." And I was like, "I know." And then he was like, "what's your name?" And I was like, "Angel." And then he was all, "Really?!" And he was gone. We ran into each other several more times after that because we had another class in the same classroom, mine right before his. So naturally, we gave in to natural forces and decided to do our homework and study for calculus together. I gave him my number and we began meeting in the math lab and sitting by each other in class. I was not, at first, very attracted to him and I didn't really want to be anything more than just friends with him, although I knew that he was interested in me and we had a good ol time flirting. I wrote in my journal, "I have a new friend that I study with named Wayne. I think he likes me but I don't really like him. Actually I really like him. I'm just not attracted to him." When he asked me on our first date, I said yes mostly because I am a yes women. Also I just like dates: fun, flirting, and free food ;-) It was actually the best first date I've ever had: group date with awesome people, Bankok, rock climbing, watching the sunset from a great view. We held hands, again, mostly because I am a yes woman and don't like to offend or make things awkward by refusing (unless it's a moral issue of course ;). We kissed on our second date. I admit that I'm actually the one that went for it, but immediately afterwards I crushed his feelings by telling him that it had been a mistake. Extreme burn, I know. At any rate, from the very beginning of our relationship, I didn't how I felt. I really liked him and I really liked spending time with him, but I didn't have that "can't eat, can't sleep, over the fence, World Series" feeling for him or that infatuation that I had felt for other guys before. I didn't want to keep leading him on if I thought he wasn't the one for me, but I also didn't want to hurt him or, more importantly, have to stop seeing him. Actually there was another guy named Doug that I had started dating about the same time I had started dating Wayne. I thought Doug was really cute and I wanted to pursue that relationship, and end my relationship with Wayne. But as time continued, Doug turned out to be a play boy kinda jerk, while Wayne on the other hand stood out as being totally and devotedly into just me. His friends would remark that he had talked a lot about me and that they were happy to finally meet me. And although I know he had been dating girls almost every weekend before me, after he took me out, he didn't pursue any other girls (unlike Doug). Oh but he wasn't a stalker either. There were no red flags along the way. In fact I was very impressed with how highly those who knew him, spoke of him (a very good sign); from his bishop to his mission companions to his converts to his roommates to his friends to his family. He came very highly recommended by everyone. So after a while, it was plain to me that he was a good person: righteous, strong testimony, generous, kind, very dependable, very loyal. He is many more wonderful things, but you get the picture. But for some reason I just wasn't feeling the excitement and jittery feelings that I thought I should. The first time he said the scary three words, I said, "Thank you." He always wore his heart on his sleeve and I was constantly hanging it on the line to dry. I broke up with him twice. The first time was only for a day; I just thought things were moving faster than my feelings for him were and I needed to take it back a few notches. I just didn't know how to say all that so it came out as "I think we need to see other people." Really what I meant was, "I'm afraid that this is going too fast. I'm not sure where I want this relationship to go yet and so I would feel more comfortable if we didn't say I love you to one another and if we didn't talk on the phone for so much time every day." (We were dating long distance over the summer). The second time we broke up, I was still not sure where I wanted the relationship to go and I was still scared of leading him on too far. The problem with this was that we were taking two classes together at this point. We decided to still be friends (cause I didn't want to let him go completely) and continue to sit by each other. Well, after many heart wrenching days, my hand still itched to hold his. It settled on just a little back tickle, which led to him walking me to my next class as he had always done before, which led to a hug that was held a little tighter and longer than the average hug, which led to a break down by both of us and us getting back together. I missed him. Plain and simple. And there was no reason to stay away from him. So we dated and dated, it really wasn't long by most people's standards, but we were coming up on a year and Wayne had known where he wanted this relationship to go for months and months. He planned an elaborate proposal for Valentines day. He had the ring, the reservations and a box of custom made fortune cookies. Well I got wind (my mom spilled the beans when I was confiding that I didn't know how I felt and that I might break up with him) and I kiboshed it. Later, before he returned it, he let me try on the ring and it felt sooo good... Sigh. There was another proposal or two in there that I shot down before they aired. After a while, Wayne got tired of my stand offishness and of feeling unloved and suggested a break. A month of being apart and dating other people if we wanted. No calling each other or hanging out. And then if we got back together, it would be for good. No more dragging him around. Either don't have him, or commit to him entirely. Whew. It was a difficult, lonely time and I admit that I didn't date as much as I would've liked (one date). I thought that if I dated other guys, I might get a better sense of how I felt about Wayne by comparison. But I quickly realized how empty I felt without him. He was my best friend and I was bored and lonely without him. I wanted him back! And I knew that I could be happy spending the rest of my life with him. He made me happy! So I think one particularly lonely night, when my roommate bailed on doing baptisms for the dead with me as we had planned, I called him up ever so humble, wondering if he would go with me. And he of course did. About three weeks later, I bought him his wedding ring and I proposed to him on Easter while he was visiting my parents' home with me. An egg hunt all around the town finally ended on the church lawn with a picnic blanket and an Easter basket full of goodies including champagne glasses, some martinellis and a wedding ring. I didn't get down on one knee, but I did ask. And he said yes. We've been happy together ever since. I am totally in love with him and along with that I find him very attractive. And the longer we are together, the better it gets. Here's the moral: True love is a choice. It does not just "happen" to you. It's a widespread misconception in our culture that a person "falls" in love, and that if the infatuation does not survive over the years, then the couple has fallen out of love and it is acceptable, if not advisable, to separate and wait for yet another happen chance meeting with love. In reality, love is a choice; real love, true love, the kind that lasts a life time love. I believe that you can pick any person you want to fall in love with, and if they are on board with the relationship decision, you can create and grow a love that will last forever. All it takes is a commitment and effort on each person's part to understand and respect and show love to, the other person. Infatuation, or that crush feeling if you will, does play a big part in bringing couples together that might be compatible. Physical attraction and (more importantly) personality attraction are the first sparks of any relationship. I think we all recognize how much a person's personality can affect how attractive they are to another person. It's not just classic, social definitions of beauty that make a person attractive. The more you come to love a person, the more physically attractive they become. So attraction is a good way to filter possible relationships that one might CHOOSE to pursue. In this way, infatuation plays a big part. And it is exciting! But it is not true love. As my father-in-law so eloquently put it, "people fall in love with ass holes all the time." I would like to change this to "people get infatuated with ass-holes all the time." They start a relationship with them, perhaps marrying them or even having children with them, and then the infatuation fog clears and they realize that they don't actually love this person and they don't even want to love this person. And some couples who were once in love, stop working to love one another, essentially choosing not to love one another. Ideally, you'd begin a relationship with an over the moon infatuation and then decide that this person is truly good for you and then build a lasting love for each other that you continue to give proper care and maintenance for the rest of your life. But honestly, the infatuation part isn't truly necessary. The most important thing in choosing a spouse or a partner is choosing someone whose ideals and morales match that of your own, and whose life goals and priorities match that of your own. Of course being able to communicate all of these things to one another is essential. So if you feel like your partner is someone you could easily and happily spend the rest of your life with, and you know that they are committed to loving you as much as you are committed to loving them, well then, CHOOSE to love them for the rest of your life. In other words, marry someone who is the kind of person you'd WANT to marry. After all, you do get to CHOOSE.